Most of my blogs are designed to be informative or to teach something or are just hoping to make people smile or think. This one however, is just from the heart and honest. I have gone through a pretty tough time of late, as my first ever blog explained but even since then things haven’t been great. I have been very lost, confused and unhappy.
So, Jack came along, a beautiful, kind, talented horse and the Mother bought him. I know she missed having a horse but I also know she was looking to make me smile again. Seeing your child unhappy and struggling to do anything about it must be incredibly hard – something I hope never to experience with Joey but something I probably will.
My aunt had him when he first arrived – she has dreamt of winning the hunter class at Windsor and he seemed like an opportunity to try. She did a great job and obviously enjoyed riding him. I was sad that their plans were dashed by rain as she had worked really hard towards it. But having him was more than just about Windsor – I heard her say (perhaps not meant for me to hear) “Maybe seeing me ride him will give her some confidence that she can do it.”
He then went to Southerley Roberts, I have always liked her style of jumping and the fact that her horses often jump in just a snaffle. She did an amazing job and did some initial jumping training with him which he seems to love. Her words “He’s lovely. You are a lucky girl.”
But then, since physically I am well enough to ride again (with the help of some strapping) and as the plan was for him to be mum and my project, he came home (well, to the stables near home). Now the work began and now the breakdown occurred.
I just have zero confidence. Actually below zero.
Jack is the most wonderful horse – he has the kindest heart and attitude and is so cuddly and gentle. But, he is also only five and he is also not a plodding schoolmaster so he has little worries, little spooks. No malicious intent, nothing over the top, 99% of the time he is a total dude to ride. But I am just crumbling.
And today I broke, I’m trotting round waiting for something bad to happen, trying to act like things are ok but failing. I just can’t do it.
So, what happens? What do you do when the thing that used to make you smile, now a makes you cry? What do you do when you dream of jumping around Hickstead but struggle to ride down a lane? What do you do when the thing that used to bring you such joy, now just brings anxiety?
I guess it’s give up or don’t.
And as I write this, I honestly, don’t know which.
It would make one hell of a story if I could get through this but do I have the strength to? I honestly don’t know.
Open to suggestions…. Anyone else been here?