I am sure I am not alone in the experience of signing up for something and then having the “Oh my goodness, I actually have to do it now!” moment. What was yours? Mine, was auditioning for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and now the show is just weeks away.
Had a big wobble last week about the whole thing: I’m not good enough, I should quit, The production team regret casting me, I am the weak link, I will look stupid on stage, I can’t sing this and I’m not pretty enough to be Truly Scrumptious! Anxiety brain can be a really nasty place with some venomous thoughts being thrown about! But then it hit me…. I have been here before.
The Mothership recently shared with me one of my own blogs that I shared 6 years ago called “Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes”. She was amazed with just how far we had come in 6 years, however it reminded me that I have ridden this brideway before.
If there is something you love to do, riding or otherwise, but you are lacking in confidence, overwhelmed by negative thoughts, battling anxiety….. but if you want to truly love it and enjoy it then please please fight for that. It is absolutely worth it.
Somewhat poetically, my 8 week rider confidence course runs until the week before the show. So, the teacher is also the student, taking each week and working through the steps I am teaching but for Truly Scrumptious rather than a pony this time!
Week 1 – Onion Peeling
Looking back and seeing where we have come from, what beliefs are shouting loudly and what experiences have shaped where we are now. This process not only gave me a big dose of compassion for myself (its been a rough old road!) but also some ownership of how much of an impact I am going to allow the negative experiences to have. The last time I did a show, I was still married and battling abuse on a daily basis. One performance, I had been late back and then had to battle an evening of accusations and shouting, resulting in a massive panic attack, very little sleep and a body that felt like it had been hit by a bus to then get back to the theatre to perform again. This time around, I am safe and supported and I just have to keep reminding myself of that but also accepting that those memories are going to flare up understandably.
Week 2 – Safety Week
Analysing the situation from a safety approach and making an agreement with yourself on how to move forward safely. Admittedly, I am less likely to fall off the stage than I am off a horse – although now that’s added a whole new thing to worry about and, admittedly, I do have to ride in a flying car! But safety can also be being comfortable with equipment, being prepared, trusting those around you which gave me food for thought. How do I set myself up to feel safest in all aspect?
Looking forward to Week 3 now!
I share this because I want people to know that things can get better and I am here to help anyone else on their way. And also to show that confidence is always going to have ebbs and flows; different things will come up along your path and it is ok to have wobbles and doubts, you can grow and build from them. It is a road I have travelled before and I am excited to travel again. Bring on the show!!
Anyone near Wallingford, Oxfordshire and fancying a night at the theatre to see a horse girl embrace a different kind of horse power, of the magical car type, would be very welcome at The Corn Exchange – 13th to 23rd March 2024.
