Jack has come in after a few weeks ‘holiday’ in the field. He has got a bit woolly, a little chubby and hopefully it has done him good. However, it is time to get back to work, and we have a lot of work to do. I was prepared for him to be a little bit bright the first time I rode after his holiday but he surprised me by being fairly chilled about it all. However, day two and three were pretty, shall we say, fresh!
I am not in the best place, mentally, at the moment. Not 100% sure why, but aware enough to acknowledge I am not ‘good’ at the moment. I definitely have good and bad patches – since PTSD/PND stuff hit, I have learnt to be a lot more self aware. So, I am trying to remind myself that this will effect all areas of my life, including my riding.
I found myself trotting round singing the 1995 Skee-Lo classic, “I wish“:
I wish I was a little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a six four Impala.
Ok, admittedly, my focus was on the first line. (The next few lines are truly random, even for me to make sense of them!) “I wish I was a little bit taller.” Trotting around on Jack when he was a little fresh was enough for me to go into “confidence crash/I’m not good enough” mode. Not because he is wild and unrideable – far from it! But, because today, it was easier for me to head to that dark place than to go into the “you got this” mode that I need sometimes.
I saw Simon Charlesworth ride him and his long legs wrapped round so elegantly with such precision and skill. I admire Carl Hester and read all his advice. I feel like a little midget blob, plonked on top of this incredible creature letting him down. If I was just that little bit taller…..
But, come on Daisy, really!? Yes, being taller may help a little but there are some incredibly talented shorter girls too. Ros Canter won the World Championships recently. #representingshortgirls! Horses are the same weight as a small car. ? It’s not about human vs horse. (Or if it was we humans would never win.)
I just got to do the best I can. All 5″2 of me! (And hope that all 17.2hh of Jack works with me.) I guess that’s all any of us can do really?
So, this week, the focus is going to be on being kind to myself and working together with Jack and recognising when the communication is good. And I am going to ride when I say I am – none of the hiding away, making excuses, pretending I have nonsense that “you are rubbish” mode brings with it.